5 months

So, maybe I should have started this a little earlier but I don't think the reality of a baby actually started surfacing until recently. I am pregnant. With my second child. I crumbled under the pressure of everyone having second babies and went with it. What was I thinking? One child is so easy. Mother nature finally kicked in. Convenient memory and reproductive hormones took over.

Now, reality memory is coming back. I'm remembering all the late nights, up all night, nursing woes, and all of the newborn stuff. I didn't have an easy first 6 months with Joshua. Looking back, he was an easy baby. He wasn't a crier. More like a grunter. I suppose it was more me than him. I was the first out of all my friends to have a child. I was also pretty young which made me feel a little bit like an outsider. I didn't necessarily have the same interests as many of the other new moms in Mission Hills, San Diego. Nor, did I have the same sized pocket book. Finances were tight and in a world where many mommies were pushing around Peg Perrego strollers, driving around with Britix Carseats, and enjoying Mexican Nannies, I was washing out ziploc bags, clipping coupons, making my own baby food before it was sheik, and living in a two bedroom apartment. I tried my best to make things look good. Buying his clothes second hand on ebay and his shoes at Ross and Marshall's. We were broke but, 'my kid was not going to look it for sure!' At least that was my attitude. Mike was always so supportive but many times it was my own self expectations that got in the way of his good intentions. Instead of being appreciative and excepting of his help, I often pushed it away. I thought that I could do it all. Which happens to be a running theme on my side of the family.

I'd like to think in the almost 5 years since then that I've learned a little. I'm not a bad mother if I don't get to the dishes in the evening or make the bed in the morning. It's actually a good thing to except the help of my husband. It's not all about me. That my pushing him away was actually like saying to him 'Your not capable of handling this baby thing' which is so not the case. The fact that I'm chopped liver in his (Joshua's) eyes and Daddy is the sun and moon proves how valuable Mike is. Excepting and asking for help is OK.

Nursing doesn't always come easily. Throughout human history that's been proven. The use of cows milk, and wet nurses wasn't just because mommy had better things to do but because it might have depended on the survival of a baby. I'd say the whole nursing thing is one of the first over the top and unnecessary stresses currently in the world of newborns. Lactation consultants do and can actually help and, their worth the money if you get a good one. I remember not asking for help in this department because again the expectation of being the perfect mom and the embarrassment of admitting failure (especially in this department) to anyone was frightening. I don't know if I'll succeed this time around but I have more tools for success and, (I'll have to go back and read this 100 times post baby) If I can't breastfeed, I will move on.....I am not a bad mother for this and I am not poisoning my child with formula. I will tell the lactation Nazis to kiss my.....well, you catch my drift. Nursing is important to me but I will not let it consume me.

In the beginning of this entry, I joked about crumbling under the pressure and mother natures maniacal ways but really, it came down to a lot of things. A girlfriend of mine placed it in the most perfect scenario. She said, "If you went to the doctor tomorrow and he said you couldn't have any more children, would you be sad?" My answer was yes. Despite the few stop offs at the ER with Joshua.....we've done a pretty darn good job with him. He's good to his friends and good to his parents and he's VERY happy. He makes us laugh with the goofy things that he says on a day to day basis and has been such a blessing in our lives. A sibling will complete our family in so many more ways then I'm sure I can imagine now.

I'm starting to really look forward to this. We are just in a better situation now the second time around then we were for the first. I'm checking out all of the baby sites and I know now what kind of crap I don't need. I'm also shamelessly begging for all kinds of baby gear and maternity wear.

So, the verdict is still out....boy or girl? I find out May 30th but, what do you think?